The Rum Diary (2011)

Johnny Depp. It feels like I said all that needs to be said. Just that I didn't, but let me explain.
This is a story about a novelist, who pretends to be a journalist and takes up a freelance job in Puerto Rico's local newspaper. So far so good. He is then talked into some dirty work for some rich guys. Not getting better. A girl messes everything up. Oh shit , there we go again... Wait, it is all set in 1960s ! Ok, we're good.
So from the first glace it is not something special, but, nahh it is not something special. I don't want to be too picky, but even thou The Rum Diary has Johnny Depp in it, it is not perfect (Sorry for Depp fans, or as I like to call them "Depp fans"). So first comes the dirt and then, maybe, maybe I'll trow in some ice cream. If you will be good.

Bam, first thing that steps on your balls is the plot that has been seen more often then cats on the internet. There is a guy, who is not a pro, starts with non-pro work and suddenly gets some big time stuff. He would do great, but woman. Everyone is evil but the dude (not the Dude dude, just a dude), so he befriends the weirdest guy around and stuff happens and what ever. It's all great and all, growing with the main character, learning that weirdos are cool, killing jews. All great the first time you see a story like this, maybe the first five time, but eventually it gets boring to "grow". When will there be a pro who gradually finds out that being ultra good at something does not make you right all the time ? Or that opportunities don't fall from the sky, that you have to work hard for them. But yeah, who want's to see real life ?
Also, the worn out "women=evil" thing that has to happen ALL THE TIME. Just as a friendly note, that can be found in like, every movie ever made, if you are doing something, don't fall in love, or be seduced by a woman, because everything goes wrong with them around. Seriously,  writers need to find someone else to blame, because it's either women or Hitler. Blame greed, blame pride for once. Blame sloth, that would even make sense. You have great opportunities but you mess up because you are lazy. That happens.
Yeah, i'm picking too deep, blaming a movie for just being a Hollywood movie, but I expect more these days, and especially from great Johnny Depp, who , by the way, showed nothing special. But you love him anyway, don't you ? Yeah... So here are some good stuff:
It is set in 1960s. Fun fun fun, can't add anything more, great times, great cars, go to love the 1960s.
Oh yeah, there is something that still kick this movie above average Hollywood mediocrity. It's the ending. It is not sugar sweet, where the dude gets the girl and money. It's not too sad, where Bambi's mother dies. It's just... Ok. You don't see that too often these days and in the long run, that plays a great card. but without all the set up before , that would hardly be possible.
So in the scale of worthless time to taking my hat off, I keep my hat where it is, but it is surely worth a good company and maybe a glass of rum.

Unthinkable (2010)

You know that feeling when you get your finger cut off ? Whops, got a little ahead of myself. Let me start over.
Unthinkable, a movie about how Muslims are terrorists. So the plot goes down to a man , who is Muslim, films himself planting three bombs and everyone goes nuts and arrests every one with a beard. The FBI (CIA or Disney or whatever) finds him and interrogates him. Why ? Because the bombs are nukes ! How can there be Muslims with no nukes ? So H Humphries (Samuel L. Jackson) is the main (and cruel) interrogator, and Chik Von Rightie (Carrie-Anne Moss) is some FBI agent that H chooses as an assistant. So yeah, the whole thing is a dude flippin' fingers to get some answers about nukes (NNNNUUUUUUUKKKKKKEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!)
The most of the movie happens in the chamber where the interrogation takes place, so one could call this a Psychological-claustrophobic-thriller. Speaking of finger cutting, question asking black people, this reminds me of Five Fingers (2006), similar brutality and Muslims and stuff. But here are my thoughts about this:
First, i have noticed that this is a common military-spec ops style character design, a cool awesome pro takes a rookie under his wing and shows how to party. The rookie learns some new tricks and takes no shit from his master. Works every time.
Speaking about H's character (pretend that we were), the psychotic torturer role has it's charm. He is funny in the start, serious in the middle and smart(and right) in the end. Just like the main role should be written. Everyone else is fine too, i ques, what ever.

There is more. Remember when I asked about fingers being cut of ? Yeah, there is a lot of that. It is nasty, and sometimes it looks like it's a bit too much,  but there is never too much cruelty and blood and torture and death and killing and pain and.... khem.
So yeah, it is shocking, but to a level where you enjoy it, not to a level where you have to look away. I mean, what do you expect from a film about TORTURE ? Bunnies making love in a boat made of ice cream ? Really ? What is wrong with you ?
My take at the main idea is that it is about how dark your safety is, how much blood can be spilled so you would not die. Because of Muslims and nukes. Why only them ? Why not the Irish ? They like color green you know.
One more thing, that got me going: I have heard that there are different endings, anyone knows something of that ? If so, tell me.
I liked Unthinkable, not the best thing ever, but it was good. Worth just for Samuel L. Jackson. If i have to give it stars, i would give many but not too much, like twelve, or seventeen or even more, a lot.

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Years have past since my last update, and you know what ? Good, me too. Now , straight to business, what we (that is me in general) have is a film about two serial killers, who kill people (duh) and then eventually get caught and put to jail and the stuff happens that i will not spoil... They kill more people! So that is the summary of whole two hours, now this does not sound like something "oh so great" and all, but let us (me) not forget, that it is written by Quentin Tarantino. Actually, just to be clear as refined water(and it is clear God damn it!) I only watched Natural Born Killers because it is written by Quentin. But there are more reasons why You (yes you there!) should watch it (if you haven't, but if you seen it already, how did you like it ? Also, what is you favorite band ? Do you like modern art ? Why is the sky blue ? Is there God ? If there is an answer to a question, should the question even be like that ? Who makes these questions ? Find out more next week on Real Hard Answers !)

Aaaaannnnnddddd we are back on topic. One reason for watching is the characters and the cast. I mean really, the actors are great, they do their roles with passion , they know what they are doing and the fit their characters perfectly, I could not imagine anyone else in their place (you should't too, if you are , stop right now). And the characters, they are very different  very unique, caricature like personifications of whole groups of people like the media or law force or even the abused and cruel. Speaking about cruelty (don't worry, this will make sense), it is as if the concept of this film is about how the media, television mostly, is growing and sort of idolizing cruelty,that anger, hate and disrespect for life is pumped through tv screens,how every channel shows blood and gore the whole time and it get's so normal for people.Like as if the movie shows how the media forms and the exploits perverted and messed up folks, like Hitler. Sorry, I was serious for too long, it just happened like that, this will not happen again, like the holocaust.
And we're back! Another interesting, and view worthy thing about Natural Born Killers is the way it is filmed. It is sort of a hectic,  amateur,  gag-like sometimes, and professional, artistic,and  deep at the same time. It goes from "funniest home videos" to Fellini in few seconds. I liked it, it's like 8/10 would f*ck, would not marry. Here is the trailer cuz i like you and all that.

Dune (1984)

Skyrim. That explains why I haven't updated my blog for many days. But let's all be real on this, Skyrim is great, really. I mean, I haven't been so excited about a game since KOTOR, and that was years ago. Dude, this is a great game. But enough about that. Dune (1984) is an old Sci-Fi movie about a book with the same name, made somewhere around the time as Star Wars and costed 10 million more, but turned out less popular and... well... I really don't want to be hard on Dune, I mean , the book is great and all, but man oh man was this all messed up. And I would have never expected that from David Lynch. Yeah... just gets better and better from here.
To start with, thank the maker that there is an introduction to explain why and what is going on, because I surely think that those who did not read the book would not understand a single thing in the movie , at all. That is probably the good thing, i don't know.

I will have to leave the story alone, because fudge you, Dune is awesome. But to put the whole thing in only 3h ? To sides to that, both bad thou:, one is that everything happens to fast and there is no time to think or just chill, the other thing is that even while happening to fast , those 3h are not enough. Oh did it not have five (or four or six, I really don't know) parts like Star Wars ?

Time to put dirt on the whole Sci-Fi thing. I would love to say that it was not the time yet, but look at..well.. yes... Star Wars again, it is starting to look more about Star Wars than dune..Anyway. In 1984 the CGI was bumpy, but these were horrible even for that time. Where did all the money go to ? Those eyes ? did they spend all the money for actual surgery ?

With that in mind it all looks like some weird future voodoo. All those flying gingers and stuff... I mean, I am not racist but gingers are not born be THIS ugly. Maybe this is just the book inside my head talking, but I feel disappointed. And angry that i lost 3h not playing Skyrim. I heard they are make a new version in 2014, so until that day, lets all pretend that this one never came out. :)

Every Thing You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (1972) and every thing else by Woody Allen

Why ? Because of few things:
1. Poll says you want tits.
2. Everything else by Woody Allen is somewhat like this, actually this even sums up everything he has done.
3. Because I'm a pervert , that's why.

See, the thing is, I was thought that I could do more of Allen, but I have to face it, I'm not that good to not say that everything he does is more or less the same. Sex. 24/7 sex, every story has sex in it, all the time. So this will be my last of Woody.
This thing is made of few different stories, and some are better than others. For example first one can make you mad as hell, because everything there rhymes, and that is annoying, Jesus W. Christ , I nearly killed a child while watching that, but it ended, and that is good for that child (but i will find that child one day...) . That episode should have explained something about aphrodisiacs or something, but i think it was more about women out of your league.

Gene Wilder

Then the next one was on. And i loved that part, for that it has Gene Wilder in it. That is the man from Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory (1971). He is great at what he does, but why did he have to do this, I have no idea. What do you mean "whats the big deal?" ? He humped that sheep. Is it not at least a little weird ? Anyway ... It is awkward... Actually , the whole film is awkward, just like everything made by Woody Allen. People are awkward, situations are awkward, and Allen is awkward.
One part was in Spanish, probably , and because i don't know Spanish, I understood nothing, why would it even be Spanish, why ? What did I ever do to Spain to deserve this ?

"Every thing you always wanted to know about sex" should be informative, and you might say that it is more or less informative, but not only would it teach something usefull to youngsters, it would also fuck their minds up ( sorry for hard language but it is true). I mean, for those who have seen it, there is either real brain damage that will scare them form sex for the rest of their lives, o there is funny things to lough at perversions knowing you are more perverted. Yeah, "What is you perversion" was most fun to watch , for I have heard weirder perversions.

Talking about tits, this is one huge bust. And that is just what i mean, after seeing something like that , a normal man  could be scare of breasts for the end of his life. And what was most interesting for me was, if they make that breast, or was it effects ? Because if they really made it, I would love to hear the stories of making of .
Just to be clear on what i want to say, this is what sums everything about Woody Allen: "Tits that kill people."

Shadows and Fog (1992)

Hello again to everyone, just to be clear, i do not celebrate Halloween so there will be nothing about that, and for those who think I should do a horror movie, because there is such thing as Halloween, then please be my guest and get some taste in movies why don't you.
It is great to be not so great.
Shadows and Fog (1992) by Woody Allen is what's for today. A killer is loose in the town and everyone is scared as hell, especially Klainman, yes you guest it, Woody him self. The killer kills on foggy nights. ( Happy now, you capitalistic candy loving freaks , who dress up as hookers and batman, are you happy now ? You disgust me ) 
Story seams to be confusing (like your costume) but it starts to unravel in time. It is fun to see how three different plots come together and end up in.... well.. i have no clue why did it end the way it did. I really don't. this is not a spoiler, probably , it all ends in the circus, and that is really strange, because the whole movie has nothing to do with it (more or less) so why circus, and why in the hell do you think that you look good in green tights ? You have no super powers, stop acting like a kid with mental illness you creep.

So the story is great, but that is not the only thing that makes a great film, you need someone who can pull of an act (not like you.. oh you get it ). 
Great cast, just great. What else can i say, there is John Malkovich , what else do you want ? You want more, sure you do , you love candy, and here's some candy :Mia Farrow, that's some eye candy. What ? you wanted chocolate ? Go steal some from little girls on the street, oh way, you do that every year.God help me I hate you.

 Good, now that we are clear on that, lets talk about the most important part that makes a film a good film. Yup, Woody Allen. Lets not lie (like your friends lie to you that your costume is good), and lets admit that he makes the whole movie worth watching. He is that one awkward guy who goes around not knowing a thing, but as it turns out, he is not as retarded as everyone else thou, like you and.. ok i should let it go.


This is great, i suggest watching it with friends, if you have any, unlike me. 

Happy Halloween to All

you sick freaks of nature 

Bananas (1971)

First of all, I am sorry for not writing for some time. I had a lot of work and didn't even have the time to scratch my ass. And that does not take too much time you know.But now I'm back, hopefully for some time. Another thing is , that one of my friends, who is an actual reviewer, viewed my scribbles and said that I use too much of personal opinion when reviewing.That made me wonder. Do you seriously take any of this nonsense seriously ? I mean i covered an entire paragraph about Nazis in my last "review", you can not take a guy who talks about Nazis seriously. Now , to make my point, Bananas (1971) by Woody Allen , is as ridiculous as I am.

It would be really hard to talk about anything made by Allen, because there is nothing new, everyone knows him and knows what his movies are about. So lets just pretend that you have never heard of a guy named Woody Allen.
So your common sense might be tingling and telling you that "this might be a comedy". Well, Einstein , guess what, you just one none million dolirs in a shape of geese.(See the joke is that Einstein is actually dead). But yes, this is a comedy, and as I see it, it is a stereotypical comedy for it's time. Jokes are often random, and the randomness makes them funny. Thou in the end , many jokes fail to make the same impact as you get used to them. Many serious matters are discussed in Bananas from an angle of absurdity. It is as if the whole world just does not see the stupidity of many acts. And not only serious things like politics or death are made fun of, the little things, the way we eat, the way people try to be fit, advertisements, everything is a laughing matter here.

This stupidity is made casual. That makes it more funny than people laughing from their own jokes, but that is very common it comedies of that time, so that is why I can't say that this is something remarkably great and unique. It is funny, to a certain point. It is good to watch. Even the plot makes sense more or less. But it is not a god of comedy. Now if, lets just say, i would remember that this is by Allen, then HOLLY MOTHER OF KAMOLLY , THIS IS DAS BEST COMEDY EVER, I SHAT MY CATS LITTER BOX OUT OF LAUGHTER. But let's be fair and not judge a movie by it's credits. Allen is good, but for some unknown reasons he is not my personal God and will never be. Sorry Allen fans.

Now when it comes to Allen... You have to have sex. The importance of sex is highly escalated in every movie by Woody Allen, this one is no different . Actually the main plot revolves about sex, but for to anyone who has seen any of his works that is nothing new.
Now to finish this all up, there is one thing that came to my mind while watching this. Bananas is like the internet in film form. Sex, randomness is there and there is nothing saint , that could not be made fun of.
Enjoy.

Also, i could make a whole series of Woody Allen works, so don't forget to vote. Why ? Why not ?